deal with crippling depression
Loss of interest. Unwilling to live. Not going out. Despair.
I always seen my life as Spike from Cowboy Bebop. That guy was basically looking for his girlfriend while trying to be killed by his best friend. He is always broke and the fact that he travels means little as that is equivalent to getting in a car. Search him online and I bet you can find a good amount of photos with a slight smile. That is that peace in hell.
This goes out to all my fellow chronic depressed people who are on the edge of ending it all. Screw everyone who try and fail at ways to cheer you up in the same someone says hello as they are literally passing by. That Hello without breaking stride as they walk away and vanish over the horizon.
I often sleep with a knife growing up just in case the time it took me to go get a knife I will lose my nerve to end it all. I wanted it to happen the instant I got the courage to do it. That’s all fine and dandy but there is always a silver lining, right?
I have things that I want to do whether or not I am happy. Art and writing is that powerful purpose. I’m currently (hate the word currently) depressed with a migraine and here I am writing to the world.
What is my purpose?
I walk a path in life and I will eventually die. What if someone walked the same path and maybe I could say watch out! I put my spirit and soul blocking traps and plans on scaling walls.
Depression has made me feel smaller but my purpose still keeps me busy in the worst kind of situations allowing me to at least one day die with dignity. A completely destroyed ego has allowed me to live for something bigger even though my smile is utterly fake.
Ass in fire
When I do decide to live another day I know I don’t want to feel the way I feel. I know we are seen as people who love being depressed but we wallow in hopelessness not in leisure. When I have a flicker of hope the fire starts to tingle my senses and I begin to jump into action to do something productive.
Getting a Win
When I am able to move I always make plans to move. I find plans cheer me up a little bit even if they usually fail. Depression usually makes it hard to pursue them. It’s a huge and obtainable win to do something that is important to you.
Depression is not fickle sadness
Depression is a serious condition and not just a feeling. We are not sad for a few moments and everything is OK. In this world we still have things to do. We need to be high functioning depressed people, until we can finally defeat it, no triggers needed.